It's Christmas Eve. I feel like I missed something. I feel like I should be more excited than I am. But I am excited (I'm actually really excited!) My internal calendar is just off. I feel like Christmas is still at least a few weeks away. Where did the last year go? I entirely missed the Solstice this year. I feel like I've been in a bit of a daze.
Here I sit with a sleeping babe on my lap trying to convince myself that it is really Christmas Eve.
I know it's Christmas when I see our tree and our decorations and our stockings hanging on the mantle. But when I'm not looking directly at a Christmas tree or listening to a carol, I forget. Christmas in my brain is permanently linked to cold weather and darkness and we've had neither.
Usually I spent the week before Christmas in the kitchen (or my mom's kitchen) baking cookies and cheesecake and chocolate pretzels and anything else I can find the ingredients for.
But I haven't baked anything in my own kitchen since we got home from visiting family. I feel really behind. We've been home for two days and the kitchen is a mess. I'm not sure how this happened but I'm hoping to do some quick catch-up when J. gets home from work today. Otherwise, I'm just going to leave it all undone and enjoy Christmas in spite of the dirty kitchen.
We're celebrating at my in-law's house so it's not actually essential that I clean our kitchen. I can't see the dirty dishes when I'm in the living room playing with L. I can't see them from where I'm sitting with L. on my lap. Sometimes I think "out of sight, out of mind" is a good thing.
I'm trying to enjoy the moment. Really be in the moment. I love how L. cuddles into me. I love feeling her breathing. I'm letting go of the nagging voice in the back of my head telling me to try putting her down again so I can get things done around the house.
I'm excited that L. is going to be such an active participant in Christmas this year. I think she can sense the holiday spirit in the air. She looks excited and expectant, like she can't wait to see what will happen next. She has such innocent curiosity.
I'm already looking forward to next year when she can help me make gifts (a two year old touch is priceless) and reminding myself to enjoy this one while she's so young.
P.S. I did get out of my funk when J. got home and we had a wonderful Christmas weekend!