I accept my parenting, Part II

So, I went to bed Wednesday night feeling like a lousy mom and a lousy partner. In my effort to tidy up the house and make things nice for my husband, I inadvertently put him at the end of my list. In my mind, I was taking care of everything so we could relax and have a few minutes together. In reality, I did a bunch of unimportant stuff and didn't have time with him before L. woke up.

He felt like he wasn't important to me, we didn't get time together, I was stressed out when L. woke up...and so on.

For me, part of good parenting is setting a good example. I want J. and I to be a good example of a healthy relationship for L. I want her the grow up knowing how to treat a partner and how a partner should treat her. Taking care of yourself is important in a relationship, but at the time, making your partner feel insignificant is not okay, even if it is done unintentionally.

Before we moved last summer my mom gave me a book called Plain and Simple by Sue Bender. I loved it. At one point she talks about how the Amish people value the process as much as the result. The idea is that each thing you do has equal importance (This is a super simplified explanation. It's on page 85 in my edition). The past few months I've been trying to find joy in all the little tasks throughout the day and not constantly be rushing to get through the chores so I can enjoy something else.

I realized that was what I did Wednesday night. I was so frantic to get all the little miscellaneous stuff done so I could spend time with J. that I didn't enjoy the things I was doing and then I was disappointed in the end because I didn't get to have five minutes alone with him. To top it off, L. could tell I was upset (and probably rushing her back to sleep) and that made her upset too.

It was a big old snowball and I didn't realize it.

Thursday morning the snow storm continued. I woke up late. We rushed to get out of the house. I still wasn't feeling like a good mom or a good partner.

J. and I talked on the drive to work (L. and I were dropping him off). We need to make more time for ourselves, I need to make more time for myself. Real time. We need to make real time for us and for myself...not just five minutes stolen while no one is looking and I try to write an email or read a book and get called back to reality by people yelling my name from the other room.

It was good that we had a chance to talk. I felt a little better when we dropped him at work. The day was looking more sunny.

L. and I had a good morning. While she napped and I tried to take care of some business. I've been trying to find a new pediatrician for L. I spent a long time on the phone with our insurance company. Finally, I found out the pediatrician that several people recommended was covered. I called the doctor's office to see if they were taking new patients. I went through all the questions and, although I was caught off guard by several of her questions, it seemed like it was going to work out just fine.

As an after thought I mentioned that we've been doing the Dr. Sears selective vaccine schedule. Good thing I did. Apparently this doctor doesn't allow patients to do any variation of the vaccine schedule recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics. The woman I was talking to changed her attitude abruptly. She acted like I was ignorant and reckless. When I hung up the phone I felt like she thought I was a bad parent.

I was really shook up. I was physically shaking and feeling highly anxious when I got off the phone. How dare a complete stranger question my ability to parent my child? How dare she assume that my husband and I haven't put a lot of time, research, thought, and debate into our decisions surrounding vaccinations? She knows nothing about me, our family history, or my daughter. She doesn't know that I had a seizure following a vaccination when I was four years old. Yes, I'm concerned about vaccinations and no, that doesn't make me a bad parent.

Take a deep breath.

I accept my parenting.

I decided I just needed to let go of everything for the rest of the day. When L. woke up from her nap, we went to the aquarium. It's one of her favorite places. The aquarium made us both feel better. I have a wonderful daughter. I'm not perfect but I'm doing my best. Watching her run around with pure joy, pointing at all the fish, playing in the fountain, I repeated my affirmation again. I accept my parenting.

By the time J. was done with work, I was feeling more relaxed. L. took another short nap when we got home and J. and I had some time alone. I ignored everything else and focused on relaxing. It was just what I needed.

To be continued...