I Wasn't Going to Write Today.

I was just going to skip it. I was going to lay down in bed and disconnect from the world. My planned topic for today was no longer appealing. Reading in bed sounded like a much better idea. But it's compulsive. I sit here with thoughts running through my head and I need to get them out.

Most of it is probably too much information for the general public but we're all friends here, right?

And I'm always oversharing, aren't I? 
For example, last night while I was vomiting up everything I'd eaten during the afternoon and evening, I peed on myself. Just a little bit. When I was pregnant with L. it never occurred to me that this could happen.

I'm more anxious this pregnancy than I was with L. and not just because I'm slightly incontinent (just FYI, that word always makes me think of the Monty Python movie, Life of Brian). 

I know everything is fine but I know there are people who think we're crazy for telling people before my first trimester ends and it makes me anxious. They say, "what if you lose the baby? Then you'll have to tell everyone."

Part of me thinks, what if they're right? 

But right about what? I have to remind myself why we told the world so early. It was our decision and it was right for us. First, I'm horrible at not telling people. Second, I'm sick. It's hard to hide it, when in the middle of a normal conversation I dash off to the restroom to puke. Third, I have a belly. People who know and see me on a regular basis can clearly see that I have a belly that wasn't there a month ago. Fourth, God forbid anything did happen, I would need to talk about it. I talk about things. I write about things. I overshare.

It's how I deal with my life and the world.

But right now things are okay. All indications are that everything is healthy and growing.

I'm only anxious about the baby when I think about things other people say. I'm more anxious about my lack of patience (really, my lack of energy which results in lack of patience) with L., my inability to finish the dishes and cook dinner, and whether or not I told my family I loved them enough today.

My house is falling down around me.

I know it will get better so I'm focusing on the good moments and random things like pretty flowers. My husband is working crazy long hours and didn't have a weekend this week, so we went to visit him at work this afternoon. He was able to take an ice cream break with us. L. said, "Daddy! You eat ice cream with me? I'm so happy!"

It made the rest of the day melt away.

This post was shared with Just Write and 5 for 5.